Why Bike Share Doesn’t Suck

From Bike Snob NYC:

This is New York City, the bikes will get stolen right away.

No they won’t.  Why would anybody steal a klunky, ugly, worthless bike share bike with nonstandard parts when it’s laughably easy to separate hipsters from their stupid $3,000 Chinelly X MUSH collabo bikes and then part them out on eBay?

Criminals are stupid, but they’re not that stupid.  Stealing a bike share bike instead of a real bike would be like stealing a payphone instead of an iPhone.

To put it another way, I can go outside right now and steal a $500 wheel or a $200 saddle and seatpost from a locked bike in about 30 seconds, and all I need is a multitool.  Meanwhile, it takes about twice the upper body strength possessed by a typical cyclist to remove a bike share bike from a kiosk, even after you’ve legitimately paid for it.

People who want to ride bikes should just buy their own.

Yeah, OK.  And people who want to ride buses should also just buy their own.  And what the fuck is up with Netflix?  Anyway, it’s useful even if you still own a bike.  I already own a toilet too, but it’s still more convenient for me to use a different one when I’m not at home.  Plus, I don’t even have to clean it!

Won’t people ride around without helmets?

Yes.  Stop being such a fucking wussbag.

They only give you a half hour with the bike before hitting you with overcharges, that’s stupid.

No, you’re stupid.  That’s the whole point, short trips for people who have jobs and lives.  You’re supposed to ride the bike from one station and the other, not futz around on it all day.

You must be one of those people who spends 45 minutes in the Starbucks bathroom.

The tourists will run rampant all over the city.

Firstly, tourists already run rampant all over the city.  Secondly, the bikes are for people who live here.  The system is designed for short trips made by people who know where they are going.  Did you read the last part, idiot?  Tourists will still rent the goofy “Bike And Roll” bikes.

Noisy bike share stations with their corporate advertising will ruin the character of my landmarked neighborhood.

No, you’re ruining the character of your landmarked neighborhood by being a douchebag.  Your landmarked neighborhood had character exactly until you moved there.  London and Paris both have bike share and they fart more beauty and history in their sleep than any Brooklyn neighborhood.  The average Tesco is more interesting than your stupid brownstone.

And yeah, bike share stations are so noisy, what with their loud motors and slamming doors and alarms going off all night long.

I think that about covers it.

Of course this doesn’t directly affect Astoria, since we will have no bike share in Astoria. You see our local politicians don’t want it. Vallone only supports bike parking if the bikes have loud motors to propel them. (Kudos to Jimmy Van Bramer and State Sen. Mike Gianaris for pushing for bike share.) Bramer’s district goes as far north as 34th Ave, which is why the bike lane goes that far and no further.