Stupid fucker stole my rack!

I have a bike parked outside. It’s been parked outside for, well, about 13 years.

“How can you leave a bike parked outside?” people exclaim with shock. I don’t know. It’s easy. Convenient. And people leave cars parked outside all the time. Look, it’s not a fancy bike. And I do have the seat locked. But hell, I don’t even have the rear wheel locked (though it’s coaster brake and not quick release). Though I might start now.

We went outside today and discovered that some fucker had stolen both rear racks off both our bikes. Now this is annoying and kind of pissy. My partner in victimhood pointed out, “Hell, if you prorate it out over the years, it’s not so bad.”

Indeed. My rack probably costs $20 and hers $30. And, if you can say as much, the fucker was nice not to steal more… I suppose.

But here’s where it gets weird–and I’m only writing this assuming that the rear rack thief of Astoria doesn’t read this blog–we first noticed something amiss because our bike bags (an essential part of any city bike you almost never see here) were on the ground, next to our bikes.

Now my bike bag was new. Sure the fucker didn’t know this. But that baby is outrageously expensive. And imported. Like $80. So thank you for not taking it. Not worth taking? You really are a stupid shit. And thank you for not taking my bike bell from Egypt, and not taking my front wheel with Dura Ace hub (I’m not trying to prove anything with the ol’ fancy hub on cheap bike action… I just happened to have that hub), and thank you for not taking my rear wheel with a Bendix 2-speed kick-back hub. And thank you for not slashing my tires. Shit man, almost everything on that bike is worth more than the rear rack! My spokes are worth more than a rear rack.

And here’s the crazy shit… the fucker had to slice my bike bags to steal my rack because I chained my bag to my rear rack. I didn’t want anybody stealing my bags. And the fucker probably thought I had chained the rear rack.

The bastard was armed with at least an allen wrench and a blade. It was a relatively neat and professional job. He wanted rear racks and got two. But good God… for two fucking rear racks?! Are you crazy? There’s so much better on these bikes to steal. And now I have to get my bag sewed up.

Anyway, if you see a rear rack for sale with a length of bike chain attached to it (which used to be holding my bag), let me know. I’ll beat the crap out of him if he comes around my house again.